WERNER 

EDITION. 


to ! 66p 

Pair  of  Lunatics 


Romantic  Comedy 


30  minutes 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS 

Farce  for  1 Male  and  1 Female 
By  W.  R.  WALKES 

Text  and  Stage-Business  Edited  and  Revised  by 

STANLEY  SCHELL 


PRICE,  15  CENTS 


NEW  YORK 

Edgar  S.  Werner  & Company 


Copyright,  1906,  by  Edgar  S.  Wernei? 


SPECIAL 

16  PLAYS 


For  35c.  in  Paper,  60c.  in  Clothbinding, 
postpaid. 

EACH  PLAY  HAVING  TWO  CHARACTERS 
These  16  Plays  come  in  one  book  and  are: 


'‘Backward  Child/*  2f. 
"Box  of  Powders.”  im  if. 
"Breaking  the  Ice.”  im  if. 
"Confederates.**  im  if. 
"Crystal-Gazer.**  2f. 

"Fast  Friends.**  2f. 
"Happy  Ending.**  2f. 

"He,  She,  and  It.’*  im.  if. 


"Husband  in  Clover.”  im  if. 
"Morning  Call.”  im  if. 
"Nettle,  The.”  im  if. 

"Pair  of  Lunatics.”  im  if. 
"Show  of  Hands.”  im  if. 
"Those  Landladies.”  2f. 
"Two  Jolly  Girl  Bachelors.”  2f. 
"Villain  and  Victim.”  im  if. 


Any  of  these  Plays  sent  in  separate 
form  for  15  Cents,  postpaid. 

All  of  these  plays  are  printed  in  large  clear  type,  from  new  plates, 
with  text  and  stage  business  edited  and  revised  expressly  for  us. 

Address  the  Publishers 

EDGAR  S.  WERNER  & COMPANY 

NEW  YORK 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS 


W.  R.  Walkes. 


Text  and  Stage-Business  Edited  and  Revised 
By  Stanley  Schell. 


Copyright,  1906,  by  Edgar  S.  Werner. 


Characters:  Captain  George  Fielding. 

Clara  Manners. 

Costumes:  Evening  dress. 

Place:  Small  room  off  assembly  room  of  Dr.  Adams's 

Asylum  for  Feeble-minded  and  Insane. 

Stage  Setting  : Rug  down,  couch  with  pillows  R.  C. ; couch 
on  a slant ; small  table  at  C. ; pictures  on  wall ; two  easy  chairs  L. ; 
doors  at  R.  and  L.  2 E.  and  hack  C.  Through  B.  C.  door  may 
be  seen  a bit  of  hall  leading  to  assembly  room. 

Scene:  On  rise  of  curtain  Captain  Fielding  is  seen  peer- 
ing into  room  through  back  C.  entrance.  He  looks  carefully 
around  room  and  enters  softly,  carefully  looking  behind  sofa, 
chairs,  etc. 

Capt.  Nobody  here!  Thank  goodness!  [Yatvtis,  stretches 
arms  high,]  Pve  had  about  enough  of  this.  [Yawns  again.] 
I’ve  spent  many  depressing  evenings  in  my  time,  but  a ball  at  a 
lunatic  asylum  beats  the  lot.  Just  fancy!  Two  hundred  dancers, 
and  almost  every  one  of  them  mad!  [While  talking  moves  to- 
ward  couch  on  which  he  drops  as  if  he  had  found  a delightfully 
peaceful  spot  at  last,]  What  a gump  I was  to  come!  Confound 
Jack  Adams!  [Jumps  up  and,  shoves  hands  ivell  doivn  into 
pockets,]  It  was  all  his  fault.  [Stalks  up  and  down,  then  stops,] 

3 pUy— 177  book 


OF  LUNATICS 


1 

A PAIR 


W.  R.  Walkes. 


Text  and  Stage-Business  Edited  and  Revised 
By  Stanley  Schell. 


Copyright,  1906,  by  Edgar  S.  Werner. 


Characters:  Captain  George  Fielding. 

Clara  Manners. 

Costumes  : Evening  dress. 

Place  : Small  room  off  assembly  room  of  Dr.  Adams’s 

Asylum  for  Feeble-minded  and  Insane. 

Stage  Setting  : Rug  down,  couch  with  pillows  R.  C. ; couch 
on  a slant ; small  table  at  C. ; pictures  on  wall ; two  easy  chairs  L. ; 
doors  at  R.  and  L.  2 E.  and  back  C.  Through  B.  C.  door  may 
be  seen  a bit  of  hall  leading  to  assembly  room. 

Scene:  On  rise  of  curtain  Captain  Fielding  is  seen  peer- 
ing into  room  through  back  C.  entrance.  He  looks  carefully 
around  room  and  enters  softly,  carefully  looking  behind  sofa, 
.t:  chairs,  etc. 

Capt.  Nobody  here!  Thank  goodness!  [Yazvns,  stretches 
arms  high.^  Eve  had  about  enough  of  this.  [Yawns  again. ^ 
Eve  spent  many  depressing  evenings  in  my  time,  but  a ball  at  a 
lunatic  asylum  beats  the  lot.  Just  fancy!  Two  hundred  dancers, 
and  almost  every  one  of  them  mad!  [While  talking  moves  to- 
ward coiLch  on  which  he  drops  as  if  he  had  found  a delightful 
peaceful  spot  at  last.]  What  a gump  I was  to  come!  Confour 
Jack  Adams!  [Jumps  up  and  shoves  hands  well  down  in: 
po''kets.]  It  was  all  his  fault.  [Stalks  up  and  down,  then  stops. , 

3 play — 177  book 


4 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS. 


Said  rd  find  it  splendid  iun  to  listen  to  the  strange  delusions  O i 
the  patients!  [Sneeringly.\  Fun,  indeed!  Well, — perhaps  Fve 
no  sense  of  humor.  [Sits  on  couch  and  fixes  pillows  more  com- 
fortably.] To  me  they  are  just  about  as  funny  as  a funeral. 
And  they’re  so  depressingly  monotonous.  They’ve  got  blit  a poor 
half-dozen  or  so  of  delusions  between  them;  and  they  copy  one 
another’s  words  and  business  like  a lot  of  understudies.  Now, 
let  me  see!  [Counts  on  his  Ungers.]  I have  danced  with  no 
less  than  three  Empresses  of  China,  each  of  whom  offered  to 
share  with  me  the  throne  of  the  Celestial  Empire.  Eour  of  my  part- 
ners informed  me  that  they  were  Queens  of  the  Air,  and  implort^d 
me  to  go  out  on  the  roof,  and  fly  together  to  the  sunny  South. 
[^Rises  and  shows  manner  of  dying,  then  strides  to  chair  off  L.] 
The  only  one  who  seemed  to  have  a line  of  business  all  to  herself 
was  my  last  partner,  who  flew  into  a terrific  rage  directly  I ap- 
proached her,  because  I had,  she  said,  borrowed  her  nose  to  go 
to  an  evening  party  and  had  not  returned  it.  As  she  showed 
every  intention  of  regaining  possession  of  her  lost  property  by 
main  force,  I thought  it  best  to  guard  my  indispensable  organ 
[covers  nose  with  hand],  leave  her  for  a while,  and  seek  safety 
here.  comfortably  on  chair  off  L.  and  slightly  turned  auray 

tozvard  L.  Heaves  a gentle  restful  sigh.]  How  refreshing  is 
this  quiet  after  the  glare  and  noise  of  the  rooms  below,  and  the 
ceaseless  babblings  of  idiocy.  [Yawns.]  I feel  very  tired,  quite 
sleepy,  in  fact — I’ll  close  my  eyes  for  a few  minutes — just  for— a 
— few — min.  [Sleeps;  slight  pause.] 

[Enter  Clara  Manners,  carrying  a large  bouquet  She  is 
slightly  agitated.] 

Clara.  Thank  goodness,  here’s  an  empty  room  [rushes  to 
couch  and  drops  on  it  as  if  thoroughly  done  over]  where  I can 
rest  for  awhile  in  peace.  Oh,  why  did  Aunt  Maria  bring  me  to 
this  ghastly  gruesome  function ! My  head’s  in  a perfect  whirl ! 
r.  Adams  assured  me  that  all  my  partners  would  be  harmless, 
.suppose  he  meant  by  that  that  they  wouldn’t  try  to  murder  me — 
d,  of  course,  that’s  some  comfort — but  their  insane  ramblings 
.ake  my  very  flesh  creep,  and  then  their  vacant  laughter — oh! 

(178) 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2015 


https://archive.org/details/pairoflunaticsfaOOwalk 


4 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS. 


Said  I’d  find  it  splendid  fun  to  listen  to  the  strange  delusions  of 
the  patients!  Fun,  indeed!  Well, — perhaps  I’ve 

no  sense  of  humor,  on  couch  and  fi.ves  pillows  more  com- 

fortably.] To  me  they  are  just  about  as  funny  as  a funeral. 
And  they’re  so  deprcssingly  monotonous.  They’ve  got  but  a poor 
half-dozen  or  so  of  delusions  between  them;  and  they  copy  one 
another’s  words  and  business  like  a lot  of  understudies.  Now, 
let  me  see!  [Counts  on  his  fingers.].  I have  danced  with  no 
less  than  three  Empresses  of  China,  each  of  whom  offered  to 
share  with  me  the  throne  of  the  Celestial  Empire.  Four  of  my  part- 
ners informed  me  that  they  were  Queens  of  the  Air,  and  implored 
me  to  go  out  on  the  roof,  and  fly  together  to  the  sunny  South. 

and  shows  manner  of  fixing,  then  strides  to  chair  off  L.]_ 
The  only  one  who  seemed  to  have  a line  of  business  all  to  herself 
was  my  last  partner,  who  flew  into  a terrific  rage  directly  I ap- 
proached licr,  because  I had,  she  said,  borrowed  her  nose  to  go 
to  an  evening  party  and  had  not  returned  it.  As  she  showed 
every  intention  of  regaining  possession  of  her  lost  property  by 
main  force,  I thought  it  best  to  guard  my  indispensable  organ 
[covers  nose  with  hand],  leave  her  for  a while,  and  seek  safety 
here.  [5'iVf  comfortably  on  chair  off  L.  and  slightly  turned  away 
toward  L.  Heaves  a gentle  restful  sigh.]  How  refreshing  is 
this  quiet  after  the  glare  and  noise  of  the  rooms  below,  and  the 
ceaseless  babblings  of  idiocy.  [Yawns.]  I feel  very  tired,  quite 
.sleepy,  in  fact — I’ll  close  my  eyes  for  a few  minutes — just  for — a 
— few — min.  [Sleeps;  slight  pause.] 

[Enter  Cl.\ra  M.\nners,  carrying  a large  bouquet.  She  is 
slightly  agitated.] 

Ci-ARA.  Thank  goodness,  here’s  an  empty  room  [rushes  to 
couch  and  drops  on  it  as  if  thoroughly  done  over]  where  I can 
rest  for  awhile  in  peace.  Oh,  why  did  Aunt  Maria  bring  me  to 
this  ghastly  gruesome  function!  My  head’s  in  a perfect  whirl! 
Dr.  Adams  assured  me  that  all  my  partners  wouhl  be  harmless. 
I suppose  he  meant  by  that  that  they  wouldn’t  try  to  murder  me — 
and,  of  course,  that’s  some  comfort — but  their  insane  ramblings 
make  my  very  flesh  creep,  and  then  their  vacant  laughter — ohl 

078) 


A PAIR  OP  LUNATICS. 


5 


[^shudders]  it's  horrible — horrible!  {Looks  round.]  I wonder 
where  I am!  Oh!  [starting  up]  perhaps  it’s  a padded  room. 
[Moves  about  room  punching  and  tapping  wall;  hurts  hand  and 
puts  it  to  mouth.]  Oh!  No,  there’s  nothing  padded  but  the  fur- 
niture ; but  suppose  it  should  be  where  the  violent  people  are  kept 
in  chains — and  things.  I don’t  think  I’ll  stay.  [Going  toward  the 
door.] 

[Captain  F.  snores.  Clara  stops  suddenly  and  looks 
around  in  terror.] 

Clara.  Good  gracious!  What’s  that?  [Captain  F.  snores 
more  loudly  and  prolongedly.  Clara  seems  to  freeze  and  shud- 
der.] Oh!  it’s  a groan;  some  poor  creature  in  a straight- jacket 
Oh!  What  shall  I do? 

Capt.  [gives  a big  yawn,  stretching  up  his  arms].  Ouhl 
[Clara  discovers  him  and  sinks  zvith  a half  scream  and  in  a half- 
fainting  condition  into  the  other  chair.  Captain  F.  wakes  up 
fully.]  Oh,  fudge!  just  beginning  to  doze,  and  in  such  a place. 
[ Yawns  and  stretches  again.  ] Thought  I heard  talking.  [Rises 
and  looks  about  him.  Discovers  Clara.]  FIullo!  followed!  I’ll 
lead  her  a merry  chase.  [Acts  demented.]  Eh!  [Puts  hand 
to  nose  in  great  alarm.]  It’s  all  right.  It’s  another  one.  [Starts 
to  take  off  his  coat.]  How  do  you  do?  \^Makes  a deep  salaam.] 
Lady  Macbeth  or  Sultana  of  Zanzibar. 

Clara  [^terrified  and  aside].  There  he  is  again!  He’s  taken 
his  coat  off.  Oh,  I hope  he  isn’t  violent.  How  his  eyes  glare! 
[Creeps  down  i?.] 

Capt.  [aside].  I must  address  her,  I suppose.  I’ll  humor 
her  a bit.  [^Aloud.]  I beg  your  pardon;  but  are  you  looking  for 
any  one,  the  Editor  of  the  ‘"Sun,”  or  Hamlet,  Prince  of  Denmark? 
[Moves  toward  her.  She  moves  azvay,  keeping  her  eyes  on  him 
constantly.] 

Clara  ]^aside].  A lunatic,  I knew  it.  I mmst  humor  him. 
[Aloud  and  in  timid  manner.]  Yes,  I am  engaged  to  Hamlet  for 
the  next  dance,  have  you  seen  him? 

Capt.  [aside].  Poor  thing!  mad  as  a hatter.  \^Aloud.] 
Hamlet?  Oh,  yes,  just  this  moment  left  him.  We  have  been 

(179) 


6 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS, 


sitting  for  the  last  six  months  on  the  top  of  the  North  Pole  toss- 
ing for  chocolate  drops  and  making  railway  station  sandwiches. 
[Moves  nearer  Clara^  who  tries  to  move  away  without  his  observ- 
ing her,  ] 

Clara.  Really ! 

Capt.  [^sinking  voice  and  looking  round;  then  moving  closer 
to  her  as  if  to  disclose  a great  secret^.  Do  you  know  what  rail- 
way station  sandwiches  are  made  of? 

Clara.  Oh,  no.  [In  terror.^  I mean  yes,  yes!  No,  I 
don't,  I mean  no. 

Capt.  Then  Pll  tell  you  [^takes  her  by  the  wrist  and  brings 
her  down  to  footlights]  ; but  it's  a dark  and  gruesome  mystery. 
They  are  made  of  gooseberry  cakes,  blacking,  bull's  eyes,  and 
declining  rays  of  the  sun.  [Aside,]  I am  quite  an  accom- 
plished lunatic.  [Laitghs  and  goes  L.  dragging  her  with  him,] 

Clara  [aside] , That  dreadful  insane  laughter  1 How  shall 
I get  away ! [Aloud,]  Would  you  mind  accompanying  me  in 
search  of  my  partner? 

Capt.  [aside].  Wants  to  get  me  down  to  dance,  not  if  I 
know  it.  [Aloud.]  Pray,  excuse  me;  the  fact  is — I am  expect- 
ing a visit  from  the  Queen  of  Sheba  and  the  janitor  of  the  Astor 
Flats;  they  are  coming  to  offer  me  a tomb  in  the  Hall  of  Fame. 
[Earnestly,  kneeling  to  her.]  Stay  with  me,  and  you  shall  share 
it.  [Aside.]  I'm  getting  on  splendidly. 

Clara  [aside].  Oh,  dear,  oh,  dear!  what  ravings!  [Aloud, 
positively,  but  timidly.]  Thank  you  very  much;  it's  awfully  kind 
of  you,  but  I don't  want  a tomb,  I don't  indeed.  I'm  not  dead  yet. 

Capt.  But  it's  such  a useful  thing  to  have  in  the  house; 
and  if  you  grow  tired  of  it  you  can  turn  it  into  a hen  house,  or 
better  still,  raffle  it.  [Confidentially.]  I know  for  a positive  fact 
that  the  messenger  at  the  Day  and  Night  Bank  will  take  fifty 
chances.  [Goes  up  C.  after  letting  go  Clara's  wrist.] 

Clara  You  don't  say  so.  [Aside.]  He  doesn't  seem  so 
very  violent,  but  how  piteous  are  his  wanderings.  Such  a pleas- 
ant-looking  fellow,  too ! 


(i8o) 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS, 


7 


Capt.  [aside,  ^lp  a little].  This  is  an  interesting  case,  decid- 
edly, for  she  has  not  said  a word  about  her  own  line  of  business. 
Perhaps  she’s  got  a novelty.  Pll  find  out.  [Aloud,]  But,  tell 
me  what  is  your  particular  weakness?  You  don’t  fly  through  the 
air  [imitating  action  of  flying]  or  anything  of  that  sort,  do  you? 

Clara  [smiling].  Oh,  no.  I’m  not  mad — oh,  I beg  your 
pardon — [Aside,]  How  stupid  of  me.  [Aloud.]  I mean  I am 
only  here  on  a visit  to  Dr.  Adams — his  guest,  you  know. 

Capt.  [aside],  A guest!  [sorrowfully]  poor  creature.  They 
all  say  that. 

Clara  [sweetly].  So  pleased  to  have  met  you,  but  I am 
afraid  I must  be  going.  Good-by  [going  tozmrd  door,  but  keep- 
ing  eyes  on  Capt.  F.]. 

Capt.  Not  just  yet.  [Stopping  her.]  Tell  me  all  about 
yourself.  [Aside.]  This  is  the  most  charming  lunatic  I have 
seen  this  evening. 

Clara  [aside],  I must  pretend  to  be  mad  or  he’ll  resent  it 
and  become  violent;  what  shall  I say?  Ah,  I know.  [Aloud,] 
1 am  afraid  I must  be  ofif,  my  balloon  is  waiting  for  me  at  the 
attic  window,  my  swan  balloon,  you  know — and  Auntie  doesn’t 
like  the  birds  to  be  kept  waiting  at  night. 

Capt.  [aside,  in  tone  of  pity] , Poor  creature ! But  it’s  dis- 
tinctly a new  idea  and  a pretty  one.  [Aloud.]  Never  mind 
Auntie.  Bother  the  birds.  I’ll  blow  you  home  through  my  bean- 
shooter.  [Sits  L.] 

Clara  [timidly].  Thank  you,  that’s  very  kind  of  you,  but  I 
couldn’t  think  of  troubling  you.  [Aside.]  He  won’t  let  me  go. 
I must  go  on  humoring  him  till  somebody  comes. 

Capt.  Come,  tell  me  all  about  it.  [Genially.]  So  you  drive 
about  in  a balloon,  eh?  That  must  be  ripping.  Is  it  your  own, 
or  hired  for  the  evening? 

Clara  [a.?  though  inventing  with  an  effort].  Eh,  oh!  our 
own,  but  it’s  not  a very  grand  turn  out;  the  old  family  balloon, 
you  know ; and  the  swans  are  an  awful  pair  of  crocks,  quite  past 
work. 


8 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS, 


Capt.  How  sad ! And  the  coachman — is  he  anything  un- 
usual ? 

Clara  [with  effort].  The  coachman?  Oh,  yes,  he’s  a cop- 
per-colored cokatoo  with  a cold  in  the  head.  [Aside.]  How 
awfully  natural  it  is  to  be  mad! 

Capt.  [^aside],  I like  this.  Humoring  a lady-like  lunatic  is 
distinctly  entertaining. 

Clara  [rises,  timidly].  Can — can  I drop  you  anywhere  this 
evening  ? 

Capt.  No,  thanks.  I prefer  the  old-fashioned  bean-shooter. 
So  simple! 

Clara.  Indeed ! 

Capt.  Yes,  you  put  yourself  in  at  one  end,  and  blow  through 
the  other,  and  pufif! — there  you  are. 

Clara.  How  very  convenient!  [Aside.]  Oh,  he’s  dread- 
fully mad,  poor  thing!  I must  get  away.  [Aloud,  edging  toward 
the  door,  in  terror.]  Good-by,  thank  you  so  much  for  this  nice 
chat.  Such  a pleasant  evening. 

Capt.  [intercepting  her].  No,  no.  Pray  stop  a little  longer. 
I’ve  a lot  of  things  to  talk  about  before  you  go.  [Aside,]  I am 
enjoying  this. 

Clara.  What  things? 

Capt.  Heaps  of  ’em.  Solar  myths,  empty  sardine  tins; 
lemonade,  bottled  ale  and  stout,  programs,  books  of  the  burlesque ; 
good  morning,  have  you  used  Pears’  soap?  and  say,  oh  say,  I 
implore  you  that  you  won’t  be  happy  till  you  get  it. 

Clara  [aside].  How  awful!  [Aloud,]  But  I must  go. 
I must,  indeed.  Aunt  Maria  and  Dr.  Adams  will  be  getting  so 
anxious  about  me. 

Capt.  [confidentially].  Don’t  bother  about  them;  they’re  all 
right.  [Mysteriously.]  Aunt  Maria  has  done  it  at  last.  Haven’t 
you  heard  about  it? 

Clara  [startled].  No.  I mean  yes,  yes.  No.  I mean  no. 

Capt.  Then  I’ll  tell  you.  She  has  laid  Dr.  Adams  three 

(182) 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS, 


9 

acres  to  a cow  that  she  will  beat  him  in  a go-as-you-please  race 
round  the  tower  of  St.  Patrick’s  Cathedral  on  mowing  machines; 
they  are  just  doing  the  last  lap  now,  and  if  you  were  to  interrupt 
them,  do  you  know  what  would  happen  ? Consternation,  annihila- 
tion, and  a bad  attack  of  temper.  They  would  clothe  you  in  a 
costume  of  custard-colored  calico,  trimmed  with  ruffles  of  fried 
fish,  and  marry  you  to  Bernard  Shaw.  So  let  me  entreat — implore 
you  to  remain  with  me  and  be  safe,  snuff-colored  and  solidified. 
[Aside,  as  he  walks  away.]  This  is  awfully  good  fun;  but  it’s  a 
terrible  tax  on  the  imagination. 

Clara  [^aside].  What  awful  madness!  If  I could  only  calm 
him.  [Sttddenly.]  An  idea!  I’ve  heard  that  they  often  soothe 
these  poor  creatures  with  amateur  acting.  It  sounds  impossible, 
but  I’ll  try  it.  I’ll  give  him  as  much  as  I can  remember  of 
‘^Ophelia.”  [Goes  up  a little  and  proceeds  to  let  down  her  hair.] 

Capt.  l^aside].  Hullo!  What’s  she  up  to  now! 

Clara  \^places  some  flowers  from  her  bouquet  in  her  hair,  and 
takes  some  flowers  from  the  same,  and  carries  them  in  her  hand; 
speaks  in  the  moonstruck  manner  of  Ophelia],  Where  is  the 
beauteous  majesty  of  Denmark?  [Pause,  turn  R.  and  L.,  ad- 
vance, and  in  sweet  voice  of  melancholy,  sing.  With  clasped 
hands,  move  head,  limp,  in  half -circle,  backzvard,] 


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Howr  should  I your  true  love  know  From  an  - 

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(183) 


lO 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS, 


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Capt.  [waves  her  off].  Go  away.  Tve  nothing  for  you. 
Clara.  They  say  the  owl  was  a baker’s  daughter.  We  know 
what  we  are,  but  know  not  what  we  may  be. 

Capt.  [thrusting  out  his  arms  toward  her^.  Go  away — * 
away. 

Clara.  There’s  rosemary;  that’s  for  remembrance.  [Offers 
Capt.  F.  a flower.] 

Capt.  Thank  you.  I don’t  want  any. 

Clara.  “O  woe  is  me, 

To  have  seen  what  I have  seen, 

See  what  I see.” 


(i8^ 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS:  il 


[Sings,] 

Fft  ^ 

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(I8S) 


U.  c.-  ILL  UB. 


12 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS. 


4 


nev  - er  will  come 
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a - gam,, 


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beard....  was  white 



as 


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A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS. 


13 


^ 


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gone,  ho  is  gone,  And  wo  cast  a - way  moan,  And 


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peace. . . . 


be 


with 

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souh 


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[Throws  flowers  about  stage  as  she  wanders  about  singing 
preceding  words. ^ 

Capt.  [aside  and  puzzled].  What  her  little  game?  [Sud- 
denly.] By  Jove!  It’s  play  acting.  She’s  doing  Shakespeare — 
Ophelia.  Well,  I don’t  know  much  about  him  myself,  but  I’ll  do 
my  best  to  keep  it  up;  so  here  goes.  [Aloud,  ranting.] 


To  be  or  not  to  be : Alas,  poor  Yorick ! 

Whether  ’twere  better  in  this  world  to  call 
A horse,  a horse,  my  kingdom  for  a horse ! 

Or  take  a cab,  or  else  a Fifth  Avenue  ’bus. 

So  get  thee  to  a nunnery,  and  when  thou’rt  there 
Off  with  his  head,  and  tell  him  straight  from  me 
My  name  is  Lallal  on  the  Grampian  Hills 
My  father  feeds  his  flock  on  threes  of  Scotch 


H 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS, 


And  so  whenever  they  take  their  walks  abroad 

There's  something  rotten  in  the  state  of  Denmark. 

And  so,  farewell ! 

No.  No.  I will  not  say  'Tarewell,"  but  ''au  revoir,^^ 

[Clara  during  the  foregoing  has  quailed,  and  sunk  into  a 
chair.  ] 

Capt.  [aside],  Vm  used  up.  That's  all  I can  remember,  but 
it  has  done  the  trick,  shut  her  up  completely.  [Smiles  com- 
placently.] 

Clara  [aside].  How  he  raved.  His  Shakespeare  is  all 
mixed.  I must  do  something  more.  Til  try  again.  [Rises  and 
glides  toward  Capt.  F.  ; at  same  time  spreads  out  train  and  looks 
admiringly  at  it.  Aloud,]  Fm  Princess  Alice.  Pm  going  to  have 
company  to-night — real  live  company!  [Laughs  heartily,]  And 
Pm  going  to  be  some  company  myself.  Only  think  of  it — to  have 
company  and  to  be  company.  And  Pm  not  nervous  a bit.  [Walks 
across  stage  admiring  train.]  Old  enough  to  entertain!  Enter- 
tain ! Ha-ha-ha ! Entertain ! A big  word  for  a beginner.  But 
I must  practise  before  Johnny  comes.  [Meditates,  then  walks 
about  in  stately  fashion.]  Now,  that's  dignity,  and  Pm  the  Queen 
of  England!  Good  evening,  Mr. — Oh!  you  are  Hamlet!  Pm 
going  to  capture  you  to-night — soul  and  body.  Sit  there.  Pll  sit 
here.  Don't  look  stern.  Now,  say  you  love  me — me,  your  queen. 

Capt.  [aside].  Pll  humor  her,  but  my  oh!  if  some  one  would 
only  come.  [Aloud.]  My  queen  [approaches  her,  but  she  waves 
him  back.  He  falls  on  knees  at  table]  ; I adore  you.  I — 

Clara,  [waving  hands  toward  him].  Go  back!  Take  this 
with  you.  [Throws  kiss  from  finger-tips.]  Didn't  catch  it,  did 
you?  Try  again.  [Throws  harder.]  The  King  of  Bombay  al- 
ways catches  my  kisses.  Look  out,  now ; here  comes  one  right  at 
your  pate.  [Throws  kiss.]  Ha,  ha!  and  you  muffed  it!  [Jumps 
up  suddenly  and  sings:] 

*'How  should  I your  true  love  know." 

[Stops  and  listens.] 

‘'That's  Jerry  calling  me  over  the  river; 

I cannot  help  answering" — 

(i88) 


I 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS, 


£=F±i-3: 

^ ^ 


La,  ha,  lia,  ha, 


ha, ha. 


That  says  we  shall  row  to-night.  \^S tarts  tozvard  B.  C,  en- 
trance, Capt.  F.  stops  her.] 

Capt.  [aside].  She  must  be  mad  after  all.  It’s  my  turn.  Fll 
try  something,  and  Fll  win  out. 

Clara  [aside,  in  utter  despair].  It’s  a failure.  He’s  caught 
on.  Oh!  will  no  one  come!  [Thinks  a second,]  I know  now. 
Dr.  Adams  said  the  other  day  that  with  these  poor  people  the 
commanding  power  of  the  human  eye  was  most  wonderful.  I’ll 
try  it.  It’s  my  last  chance.  [Turns  toward  him,  folds  arms,  and 
gazes  at  him  steadily], 

Capt.  [aside].  Hullo!  a new  development.  I believe  she 
fancies  she’s  a wax-work  and  will  want  me  to  wind  her  up. 
[Aloud.]  I say,  you  know,  this  isn’t  the  ‘‘Chamber  of  Horrors.” 

[Clara  advances  toward  him  slowly  and  melodramatically, 
her  features  contorted  into  an  expression  of  anger  and  malignity, 
Capt.  F.  retreats  before  her  in  alarm.  They  go  entirely  around 
room  several  times.] 

Capt.  [aside].  Gee  whiz!  She’s  getting  violent.  This  is 
too  much  of  a good  thing!  There’s  murder  in  her  eye.  She’s 
stark,  staring,  raving  mad.  [Sinks  on  door  at  her  feet.]  Take 
my  life,  but  spare,  oh,  spare  my  child ! 

Clara  [aside].  How  lovely!  he’s  quite  subdued,  but  I must 
keep  it  up.  [Continues  to  gaze  at  him  as  before.] 

Capt.  [aside].  What  on  earth  is  to  be  done.  I wonder  if  I 
could  hypnotize  her?  I don’t  know  how  to  do  it,  but  I’ll  try.  [Rises 
and  advanees  toward  her,  a stern  expression  on  face,  and  makes 
passes  with  hands.] 

Clara  [aside] , Oh,  dear ! the  effect  has  gone  off  and  now 
he  is  becoming  infuriated.  Oh,  why  did  I do  it ! [Turns  away.] 

[Capt.  F.  follows  her  and  makes  passes  in  every  position  in 
which  he  finds  himself.] 


Clara  [faintly,  swaying  to  and  fro].  Oh!  oh!  I’m  going! 
[Falls,] 


(189) 


i6 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS. 


Capt.  {catches  her,  business  of  passing  her  from  one  arm 
to  the  other,  and  finally  deposits  her  in  chair].  She’s  gone  right 
ofif.  Then  [complacently]  by  Jove!  I’m  a genuine  hypnotist  and 
I never  knew  it.  [Suddenly  and  alarmed.]  But,  how  am  I going 
to  bring  her  round  again?  I’ll  be  hanged  if  I know.  Oh,  con- 
found it,  this  is  serious.  [Shakes  her  by  her  arm.]  Here,  I say, 
gentle  stranger.  Your  Majesty,  fair  Ophelia,  wake  up!  [Busi- 
ness of  bringing  her  round — slaps  her  hand — and  so  on.] 

Clara  [opens  her  eyes].  Where  am  I? 

Capt.  [aside,  joyfully].  Ah!  she  has  said,  ^'Where  am  I?” 
then  all  is  well. 

Clara  {^lises  and  looks  around].  Oh!  alone,  alone  with  him 
still!  Oh!  [In  an  agony.]  What  shall  I do?  What  shall  I do? 
[Rushes  to  the  other  side  of  the  room,  falls  into  chair  and  bursts 
into  tears;  in  taking  out  handkerchief  a letter  falls.] 

Capt.  [aside,  alarmed].  Confound  it;  she’s  getting  hyster- 
ical. This  won’t  do.  ]^Aloud.]  I say,  your  Majesty,  don’t  cry. 
You’re  not  well.  Let  me  call  Dr.  Adams. 

Clara  [eagerly,  brightening].  Will  you,  will  you? 

Capt.  Certainly.  [Going,  catches  sight  of  letter.]  But 
what’s  this?  [Reads  address.]  “Miss  Clara  Manners,  Halbury 
House.”  \^Aside.]  That’s  Jack’s  favorite  sister  he’s  always  talk- 
ing about.  How  strange!  [Aloud,  pointing  to  letter.]  Then  she 
must  be  at  the  ball  to-night. 

Clara.  Who  ? 

Capt.  Miss  Manners. 

Clara.  She  is.  I am  Clara  Manners. 

Capt.  You!  [Aside,  laughs.]  Oh,  that’s  awfully  good. 
[Aloud,  soothingly.]  No,  no,  you’re  the  Sultana  of  Zanzibar.  I 
recognized  you  at  once  by  your  regal  bearing ; and  I am  your  most 
devoted  subject.  General  Booth,  the  oldest  and  dearest  friend  of 
William  the  Conqueror  [kneels],  although  the  people  outside 
[confidentially]  who  are  all  mad,  you  know,  call  me  Captain 
George  Fielding  of  the  45th  Lancers. 

(190) 


A PAIR  OF  LUNATICS, 


17 


Clara  [aside],  45th!  Captain  Fielding!  ThaFs  Jack's 
great  friend.  What  a strange  fancy!  [Aloud,]  But  I assure 
you  my  name  is  Clara  Manners. 

Capt.  Eh?  [Aside.]  Now  I look  at  her,  she’s  uncommonly 
like  Jack. 

Clara  [aside].  His  face  bears  a wonderful  resemblance  to 
Mr.  Fielding’s  portrait  in  Jack’s  album.  [They  look  at  each  other 
for  a few  seconds,  and  then  turn  away.] 

Capt.  But  surely  Miss  Manners  is  not — [touching  his 
head], 

Clara.  Certainly  Captain  Fielding  isn’t — {^they  again  stare 
for  a second  int(P  each  othePs  faces] , 

CApt.  [aside].  She  doesn’t  look  so  very  mad,  after  all. 

Clara  [aside],  I believe  he’s  perfectly  sane. 

Capt.  I say,  now,  between  ourselves,  you  don’t  really  pro- 
pose to  go  home  in  a balloon,  do  you? 

Clara  [laughing].  Oh  dear,  no;  and  you — you  are  not  a 
very  dear  friend  of  William  the  Conqueror,  I suppose? 

Capt.  [laughing].  Oh  no,  he’s  dead;  my  friend  is  Jack 
Manners. 

[Puts  on  coat  quickly.] 

Clara.  My  brother.  [They  shake  hands.'] 

Capt.  What  a lucky  chance ! I am  so  awfully  glad  to  make 
your  acquaintance.  And  you — 

Clara  [rather  coyly],  I am  always  pleased  to  meet  any 
friend  of  Jack’s  [with  more  effusion],  especially  a dear  friend. 
[They  shake  hands  again  zvith  much  effusion.] 

Capt.  But  what  lunatics  we’ve  been. 

Clara.  Yes,  hopelessly  insane! 

Capt.  But  as  we’re  quite  harmless,  suppose  we  go  down 
stairs  to  supper,  and  look  for  your  partner,  Hamlet. 

Clara.  Yes,  and  when  we’ve  found  him,  we’ll  ask  him  to 
v/rite  an  epitaph  for  your  tomb  in  the  Hall  of  Fame.  [Both 
laugh.] 

Curtain. 


(191) 


SONGS  OR  MUSICAL  RECITATIONS 


IN  DOLLY  LAND 
Tragedies  of  the  Dolls 


Illustrated  with  photographs  from  life 
Lesson -Talks  (full  directions)  for  rendering 

Words  and  lesson-talks  by  Mrs.  F.  W. 
Pender— Music  by  E.  J.  Biedermann 


May  be  given  by  little  girls  or  grown-ups 

1. — BROKEN  DOLL.  50c 

Girl  tells  how  her  favorite  doll  was  killed  by  fat 
woman-caller  sitting  on  it;  how  woman  jumped  up, 
sc3,red  to  death;  how  child  mourned,  how  she  dressed 
doll  for  burial,  how  she  broke  news  to  other  doll  chil- 
dren, how  she  trusts  doll  has  angel  wings  and  is  in 
heaven.  6 min.  ^ 

2. — FATE  OF  THE  DOLLS.  50c. 

Girl,  “mother”  of  nine  dolls,  tells  of  their  various  ail- 
ments; how  brother,  playing  “Big  Injun,”  scalped  one 
doll  and  got  punished;  how  cousin  sneaked  into  bed- 
room and  punched  out  one  doll’s  eyes;  she  concluding 
that  girl  with  one  doll  has  less  worry  than  she  herself 
has  with  nine.  5 min. 

3. -FOLKS  THINK  WE  ARE  RELATED, 

Girl,  describing  doll’s  characteristics,  clothes,  etc.,  says 
folks  think  she  and  doll  look  enough  alike  to  be  re- 
lated; tells  of  doll’s  accidents,  ailments.  8 min. 

4. — WHEN  TOPSY  HAD  THE  MEASLES. 

Girl  tells  how,  when  mamma  goes  out  to  work,  she 
spends  her  time  with  her  only  doll,  whom,  having 
caught  measles  by  exposure  to  cold,  she  paints  because, 
being  “colored”  doll,  measles  “were  afraid  to  come.” 
7 min. 


Each  piece  50  cents— All  4 pieces  sent  for  $1,50 

« 

EDGAR  S.  WERNER  & CD..  43  East  19th  St..  N.  Y. 


